and if only I could cheat and not call for this Brothel of Pain.
he makes me dumbfounded.
and if only I could cheat and not call for this Brothel of Pain.
he makes me dumbfounded.
no I am hung up on having to start all over again. you have no idea how long I have waited.
Thou art to me a delicious torment.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~
that makes me cry.
~the lady Aislin~
In ode to Superman.
at first I thought I would have his time
and he would have mine
it’s like this dot
stab into their heart,
that I may keep these sinful thoughts of
my Dearest Dearest God, I hate when I
dance like a monkey in a jungle and I can
not help that I feel myself this wild and
wishing verily I could say, fuck this dick
wishing the orange lights would bleed.
I am a demon child.
shoot the orange train of no ones
my eyes do dream dance it is time to
I am awakened
I am this unsuitable hope
And so I get up
he is never there but only inside my dreams made up.
and this is
I get no sleep
the lady Aislin.
I really felt we had a connection and I really thought he could tie me.
he doesn’t want me nor
understand me and protected like this
I am the dying breed.
I am Aislin,
the could have been some “thing.”
i was available and so was He.
I took charge and this is my penance, it’s too late, there is this man, and as you can see, he has my head.
He is very nice to me and I am begging to stay until he is no longer with me, amused or pleased.
I would never use a safe word and I better mention he has rope so I might get hung.
I am to stay focused.
while you have lived life all along, what myDarlin can you say I, did. Other than I have watched and survived, like a good little slave too, asking for nothing but your guidance, so, please don’t give me ultimatums when it is you that has gone off and me, you have left as you know exactly what I am capable of, you know I am also a cunt, a bitch and you accepted knowing damn well with me it is all about finding peaceful balances.
and it is all I have ever asked.
Your lady, Aislin.
I remember love and being so caught up into the granted of it, but when it ended, he no longer having a need for me, what would I be now, not knowing at all, who am I without him and as I took my last worshipping breath, I knew it would be the last time seeing him and what a beautiful man laying there on our couch, oh God, I wanted to fuck and oh, God, so aroused I was by this devastation, I was so hurt, yet, I stood there begging, I don’t think I have ever weeped so much, I could have been so deeply in shock standing there, feeling, everything of my being surrendering and yes, also hating him and I knew, if I had a gun, I would have shot him dead but instead I left, no longer feeling anything.
and I still haven’t since then.
a very true story.
I need bigger charms for the D and S though, oh, I am so proud of myself for working so hard and for having the greatest nurse, ever.
I think of this man, willing him in, wishing I can, whispering, like this innocent girl, leveling the aches, stilling the space between my tits and only there I am able to call, O Superman, O Superman but will he deny my hearts’ pain..
and I know I will want to wait until he says, thing, take a breath and will my face beautifully possess this serene look of feeling so utterly obedient and even with my tongue hanging out like a dog.
And sometimes I think I am so arousing sick in my head, needing to feel deeper then the scars I already have.
Finally, I say, I am thinking, awfully, to much.
and I should be saying..
little sweet Aislin.
am I here, am I here
spinning contently in this madness circle
thinking, there is life when we sincerely seek to evolve beyond the abyss of things.
but anyway, I had a question, I know I did,
like is it possible when breathing feels extremely refreshing.
then again God, it’s me Aislin, always creating myself into some sort of metal head, the fucking A is my only strength and it protects me from when I feel the aches of being human.
yet, last night I sat blushing, over and over again…thinking perhaps my time has come when…….no, no, no,
I do hate so much back spacing.
But can I retreat into the sanctuary of subtle metaphors, in whispering,
about the blending of my flesh, wanting to jump so closely into the depths of a puddle, thinking I seek to transcend and yet, I have not even looked up its meaning.
but thinking, I sincerely do hate all this back spacing but in terms of my simpleness, I wish, always, this place where suffering is sexing up my happiness.
a “thing” without purpose.
my landlord is back from vacation, but I also should admit I have not been the complete responsible tenant, simply because other than him seeing my dance in the surveillance cams, I have made no note for him..begging that he fix the dryers coin slot…
omg, close up I look like I am this giant but the reality I am this little crumb and there are some things I simply need to be simple enough..as I am making great efforts in adjusting…
So the first time..I am pushing with all my body parts and I kissed the machine after when it finally allowed me to push its button…
the times after I went into doing every prayer or worship I could think of…begging please Mister Dryer..I really do not use you that much…once a week is all I ask for…
two times I had to get these what look like crack heads help me…and surely you can not imagine how that made me feel like…I feel humiliated when having to ask asking for anything…
So today I crawl down the stairs, it’s that time again…lucky a crack head is there, new and greeting me…yes at least there is a strong man on handy…but there are also these two notes..I guess he has seen me..and if the dryer works with ease…
I will be lip gloss kissing it.
have great fears of using any toilets that are not exactly connected to my bedroom, pretty much I need a bathroom that only belongs to me.
It all started I remember when I was about 16 years old and traveling 16 hours by train vacationing with my parents. Anyway, we return home, I haven’t noticed anything, I had never shaved my pubic hairs either, thinking it would make me look to little girlish and I do have a recent pic where I am shaved and a 50 plus man commented it looked twelve.
So anyway, I am home and this boy decides he wants to sex me and of course I gave consent, there I was naked, he looking at my hairy pussy and he said I had the crabs.
of course I had no idea what they were or how I could have gotten them but he explained it all to me and in tears I went home.
Humiliated I felt so dirty, ashamed I never told my parents, I remember getting into the tub, the hottest water my body could take, I had a mirror, scissors, a shaving razor and there I began removing every hair that was between my legs and dousing every fucking bug with alcohol that burned my flesh.
I cried seeing this and vowed with hatred I would never sit again on any public toilets and I still don’t, keeping my bladder so well trained and learning now about the damage I will be causing it.
Life with me keeps evolving, I live in a boarding house type setting, sincerely reduced into some Dickens book, my choice of needing more living experiences, I am aroused knowing I can cope this new world of independence, doing my best in taking care of me and I am not so afraid anymore though I feel like this little rat sneaking out needing a shower.
as for the other part, I am a little dog in a bucket.
traveling towards two cities and within both I was met, within his beautiful eyes I paused wishing mine could whisper back a simple three letter word and as I listened to her voice I heard her asking but I ended up saying the same to her.
I am home
hating myself because
lied to them
and I lied too myself..
no, I need nothing.
what an idiot I am
but a liar most.
I saw so deeply into his eyes, so beautiful was his appearance, my whole being as I looked back, feeling wantonly, as if we were both eyeballing equally, this desire, of I need you too and yes, maybe it was only about medicating lust.
I felt so deep something and it has been so long since my eyes gave thought, they were penetrating, wanting that very moment, him, to just touch his jeans, God, he looked so damn good…
But, I walked away, sighing, knowing I lied so deeply to myself, though the hour of time was not helping, I was on my way to work and I did not make a date either.
fool that I am.
I explained while telling Beaudalare, I do not want a quick sex act but an act of emotionally inhaling, while his hands are wrapped around my neck and pulling my head into the world of his physical art.
and maybe after I might fuck
yes, that’s the miss brave fanny peepot in me.
But the truth is, I think he has fucked every pretty girl that has entered his store and I would feel so ashamed to be on that list.
But today, I will always remember seeing a man looking so beautiful and what an ache.
I should say I am sorry to myself
but I won’t,
figuring, I am strong like that
and yes, I can suffer..
Thinking people can make love in so many different ways and without the feeling that you are upon this list and I would only hope, he would be willing to explore with me.
which actually sounds kind of positive and well the girl, I told Beaudalare, she reminds me of a bed bug head.
Emotionally naked is the cross upon my grave
and without my tears I will not express knowing that My journey has been so mentally hypnotized and physically I have been left mad-minded as I can not rid myself from these scars of my truth
Pain is pain
and I have been branded with the many and I know I need newer scenes of experiences as I am this foundation, forever chasing the arousal of exquisite acts and I am a seduction of innocence, always chaste.